This Broken Heart is All You Want

Perfection- something we all strive for, right?

Or at least that is what our world tells us
The perfect hair, the perfect body weight, the perfect car, the perfect job
The perfect emotional reaction, the perfect speech, the perfect ministry
Oh and not to mention the perfect boyfriend and husband

What exactly is perfection anyway?

What defines a perfect body?

What defines the perfect life?

The Webster dictionary defines perfect as; having no mistakes or flaws, completely correct or accurate, having all the qualities you want in that kind of person, situation, etc

Mistakes? Yup, I have made 4767862178 (in just the past year) 

Flaws? Yup, I have a few many

Completely accurate and correct?- I know this is shocking, but I am wrong... alot 

Having all the qualities you want in a person, situation, etc-  Depends on who you ask about me :) 

How are we supposed achieve a life of no mistakes or flaws? We won't

And we will never live a flawless life because we were never designed for that in the first place

The thing is, we ALL fall short of His Glory

We all fall short of perfection

Yes, even that woman you think has it ALL together

“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard.”

Romans 3:23

It is one thing to hold ourselves to a high standard

It is another thing to hold ourselves to an impossible standard

We need to know the difference

I have been listening to my favorite song on repeat lately

"If You sought perfection
I'd die trying to reach it
But this broken heart is all you want"

A beautiful reminder that the Lord really just wants our hearts
Broken, flawed, and imperfect 
We were never designed to try and reach perfection

However, the enemy wants you to believe that perfection is the only way to live abundantly

But that is not the truth

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 
I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 
- John 10:10 

But whether we like it or not, living abundantly as a Christian does not always mean easy

An abundant life will also include pain and heartache

It includes feelings that are unstable and unpredictable

It includes moments of living in financial scarcity and abundance 

It includes dreams that will be fulfilled and some that won’t

But living an abundant life also means we live under God’s good Grace

We live free from guilt

Free from shame

Free from pressure

Free from expectation

Free from letting ourselves down

And are justified freely by His Grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.

Romans 3:24

So, how do we do that?

Well, we live in a fallen world and perfection will never be attained or fulfilled this side of heaven
But to start, we don't have to have all the answers all the time
Sometimes all we need to know is the next right step
And all we need to do is muster up the courage to do that ONE thing
The rest will reveal itself later

And while we are here on this broken, yet beautiful world, I have a challenge for us;

Let us be women who strive for progress, not perfection

Women who hold ourselves to the standard of Grace, not perfection

Women who chase our God given, beautiful dreams, not perfection

Women who accept that when we fail, we are simply human, we are not a failure

Women who let the Word define us, not the world

Women who speak out of love and not out of fear to be perfect

Women who build each other up and not tear down

Women who value each other and not disrespect

Let us be women who believe in the forgiveness of God

Let us be women who live boldly and courageously knowing we are covered in God’s Grace

Let us be women who live confidently that we are fearfully and wonderfully made by God’s own hand

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:13/14

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Obedience and Blessings

If you could only see what is on the other side of your obedience, you wouldn't dream of quitting. Trust God. Obey quickly.

- Heather Lindsey

GRACE- "God’s favor given to the undeserving." Now THAT is the good stuff. Undeserving but given to us anyway.

While most the country is gearing up for winter, in Arizona we get to enjoy being outside again

I LOVE this time of year in Arizona!

However, if you have been reading my blog, you know that leaving my family was hard

I say it a lot, simply...because it was

I had NO intention of leaving

But I have learned when God says GO, you listen

So I did

It has not always been easy

There have been nights all I want to do is go home to mom and dad instead of call them

I want to physically squeeze my nephews and hold them tight instead of Facetime

I want to attend that family dinner celebrating my brothers birthday

All things I miss

But after a year since moving here, I can confidently say Arizona is my home

And God has placed open doors and blessings right in front of me

New friendships and hopeful relationships

But you see, Arizona represents more than a new home for me

It represents more than a "leap of faith", a new journey, or a new chapter in my life

Because 50% 90% of me did not know what I was doing or why I was moving

All I could do was Trust the Lord that He knew

That He had a plan

And since being down here, He has proven himself

Over and over again

Since being down in Arizona, I have discovered a Grace I never knew I deserved

New Mercies I have never felt

A love for Him than I never knew

A deeper Trust for Him than I thought possible

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6

All week I have felt the Lord truly remind me that He is trustworthy

To trust Him with the good, the bad and the downright painful

His plan is always better

Tonight I got to play baseball & cowboys outside

I was saved by the bad men by superman, batman, and a maverick

God placed a special family in my path in Arizona

 And it is nights like tonight I see Gods amazing Grace

He so sweetly reminds me,

"Thank you Jessie for being obedient.

This is exactly where I want you.

Your story is only unfolding.

For I know the plans I have for you

Stay focused on what I have for you

Watch me amaze you." 

Ok God, you have not let me down so far

I see that You always provide blessings after obedience

I will continue to trust you as I live completely abandoned to Your Will

#Inthewaiting

We even got to Facetime with my nephews in Washington!

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Lord, I Surrender-The prayer that changed my life

When I look up the definition of surrender I find words like:

 yield, abandon, give up oneself.

Scary words to someone whose nature is control

I need to be control.

My rein for control in life got worse after I graduated college

I was content with where I was in life

I was living in complete control of my own life

I thought I was happy

 Except one thing

I was anxious and restless

I questioned God

…A lot

I questioned God why I was not experiencing the same life as my friends

I questioned why He was not showing up in my life the way I wanted

I questioned God why I didn’t have dreams, goals or visions

There has to be more 

My heart was divided

 I was spinning out of control

I thought I was serving the Lord

But I was only serving myself

Serving the world

If I was in complete control why was I feeling this way?

“No servant can serve two masters,

for either he will hate the one and love the other,

or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

Luke 16:13

God, 

I am tired, restless and I know my heart is divided

Trying to control of my life has only caused anxiety and confusion

The world tells me to surrender to no one but I know real faith is complete surrender to You

I don’t want to be anxious anymore
I know that You give a peace that transcends all understanding

Lord, I give complete and utter control of my life to You

I surrender my heart, my life, my mind and soul to You
I surrender to Your will in my life

I know I may suffer in this world but when we suffer and sacrifice in the name of Christ means our reward will be great in Heaven

Amen

I said this prayer almost four years ago

Since then, He has given me more dreams and visions than I ever imagined

I feel and see His forgiveness, Grace and Mercy daily 

I have felt more peace than ever before
He has placed me on an adventure that only He could plan

Leaving a job of 6 years

Mission trip to Ethiopia
Leaving my home in Seattle

Moving to Arizona
No husband, no kids at the age of 30

Ya....none of that was a part of MY plan

“Until there is total surrender, there is now Vision"

————-

You see, this world is rigged to distract us

We get caught up in our jobs, promotions,

flashy cars, clothes, social media and lust

We are easily confused who we serve

The world will fail us

The people we love will fail us

Even you will fail…every.single.day. 

You have a choice

You can serve the world 

You can serve yourself 

You can attempt to find peace in the materials of this world

You can find distractions to fill the void in your heart

You might be happy for a while because you are in control 

But then before you know it, you will get distracted by something else

You can try and keep filling the void with everything except the One it is meant for \

Or

 You can chose to surrender to The One who created this world

The One who promises to give you Hope and a future

The One whose love will fill that void greater than any worldly item

The One who will give you a peace that transcends all understating

The One who promises to Strength, Joy, Forgiveness, Freedom and Eternal Life

The One who is standing by waiting for your surrender

I dare you

I dare you to surrender your life to Him and see what happens

Will each day be perfect afterwards?

Absolutely not

In this world of convenience and comfort He didn’t promise it would be easy

But He did promise a life surrendered to Him will be worth it 

And it will be the best way 
His Way

——————

“Jessie, I don’t compete. I was waiting and calling you.

 I was waiting for you to see, that while you wanted me all of these years, you had another master. Your heart was divided, you loved something else more, and I will not share My Glory.

I had to become your one thing….your only thing. 

And so now…you will be hearing from me a little more.” 

(Jennie Allen, Anything) 

I dare you

I am choosing to put my life in the hands of The One who created it

So far His plans have proven they are way better than my own 

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One Year Reflection

 

It has been one year since I have left my home in Washington and moved down to Arizona

I still can not believe how fast one year has gone by

I struggle between feeling "its seems like yesterday" to "feels like I have been here forever"

It was a radical leap of faith for me that God has blessed

The peace I am feeling is an answered prayer that it was the right choice

 

Even amidst the peace, to say that it has been perfect would be lying

It has been a year of doubt, fear and comparison, but also a year full of receiving Gods good Grace, Mercy and Love than ever before

 

Here are a couple lessons I have learned throughout this year of transition and growth

  

1)  Just like books have chapters, so do our lives

 

To some, moving to another state is not a big deal. But to me, moving to Arizona was a radical leap of faith. It was something I never thought about, dreamed about and definitely never wanted to do and when God made it clear to me He also placed excitement, thrill and a sense of Adventure on my heart. Feelings I thought would last everyday!

But when got down to Arizona, real life came crashing in
 I realized quickly that a new chapter had began
I felt my life went back to the mundane and ordinary

A life I wanted to leave behind

 I started longing for more, trying to force events and doors that were not meant to be opened

I was living without appreciating or even recognizing the season God had me in

 

Yet, I have been reminded that even through these seasons of what seem "mundane and ordinary" God is using it to prepare me, equip me for the next chapter. I can see now that I can still have a radical faith life with every season I am in and every season of my life does not have to be the most exciting chapter of the story

 

Each season prepares us for the next and we need each and every chapter or else the whole story would not make sense.

 

2) When God closes a door in our life, He slams its shut and gives us Grace to move to the next open door.

 

I have NEVER doubted Arizona was the next move for me.

God slammed the door on my life in Seattle and opened up the new door in Arizona

I have never looked back. I have never wished I was still in Seattle.

When God wants something to be done He WILL open a door and make a way for us

 

"See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert"

Isaiah 43:19

 

3) Grace allows us to live freely and boldly, knowing that no matter what happens we are covered in Grace

 

I am learning that even in the all out cry- face on the floor- hands in the air- surrender moments

There is Grace that wraps you up, holds you and says "I am here"

Grace says "You are loved"

Grace says "You are forgiven"

Grace says "You are seen"

 

 No one is too far away where the Grace of God cannot go
No one is in too deep where the Grace of God cannot reach down and rescue

 

4) Surrender is a daily, intentional act of trust and I am seeing the blessings, even amidst the trials, that when we surrender to God, we actually gain a life better than we could ever imagine

 

^" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

 

This might possibly be the verse for this past year

Control has always been a struggle for me to let go of

Whether I am trying to control where to hangout with friends or flying an airplane

I want it

 

Letting go of control with MY LIFE and giving it up completely has been a work in progress

Some days are easier to give it to God when my life is going how I want it 

Other days I hold onto with my death grip when I feel my world caving in

 

But God has a way of reminding me He is always in control

He has His way of reminding that His plans are always better than mine
 

He shows me when I walk into City of Grace and feel at home

When I see the Arizona sunset

When I get a phone call from a friend I was thinking about

When I am driving His peace overwhelms me

When I see glimpse of my future during Bible Study

When I read a bible verse and hear Him speak to me

When I get an inspiring text message from a friend that I needed at THAT exact moment

When I receive a Facebook message from a friends mom letting me know she thought of me during her morning devotional

 

Why would I allow my human, worldly, selfish desires to control my life when the God of the universe, the God who made me, made the sun, the moon, the ocean, made every star has a plan for me better than I can ever ask for imagine?

 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us"

Ephesians 3:20

 

 

" Jessie, let go, surrender control and trust Me. Let me work in your life. Let me show you. Let me bless you. Let me guide your life. Trust me, daughter, I see every tear, every prayer and every desire. I promise I have not forgotten you. Stay focused on what I have coming for you. My promise is Yes and Amen. The story I am writing for you is better than anything you could ever dream up."
 

 

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There's Grace For That

A moment of surrender almost four years led me to Arizona three years later

I left my home in Seattle on a leap of faith

An act of obedience

I came with big dreams and big visions

I came with a big expectations

It has almost been a year down in Arizona

One of the best years of my life

I know I am supposed to be down here

I know God is paving His Will for my life

However, this life doesn't come without difficulties

God didn't promise that even if you walk in His Will it will always be easy

If we are not careful and mindful to put God first, our comfort will set in

Our human control will increase

Our selfish desires start to overpower His desires for us
"Well God, this isn't what I had in mind so I will take over from here.
Thank you for trying"

Our quiet times and prayer lives begin to decrease

Our strength is emptied by the world and its distractions

Has this ever happened to you?

My story of Grace is one of vulnerability

I thought I had it all figured out coming down to Arizona

I thought I was bullet proof to the ways of the world
To the ways of the enemy

Turns out, I am not

And neither are you

We are human beings not meant for this world

We are more broken and fallen just like this world

More than we ever dare to admit

But we are also loved more than we ever dare believe

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

and are justified by his grace as a gift,
through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus"

Romans 3:24

So, what is Grace?

When we stumble

There is Grace

When we fall...and fall hard

There is Grace

When we turn away

There is Grace

When we make the wrong decision

There is Grace

When we mess up

There is Grace

Even in the all out cry- face on the floor- hands in the air- surrender moments

There is Grace that wraps you up, holds you and says "I am here"

Grace says "You are loved"

Grace says "You are forgiven"

Grace says "You are seen"

Grace is not something we deserve but something that is freely given to us by The One who loves us 

Grace says, "No matter what you do, nothing can separate you from me and my love"

Grace says, "I understand this world is hard"
Grace says "There is no shame, no judgement, no condemnation" 

Grace says, "No matter what you did to yourself, no matter how you got into this situation, I still forgive you, I still love you"

 No one is too far away where the Grace of God cannot go
No one is in too deep where the Grace of God cannot reach down and rescue

"My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Cor. 12:9



We don't deserve Grace
We don't deserve the favor and blessings He brings

In fact, we don't deserve anything God gives us in this world

 But our God, full of compassion, love, and always faithful
He gives it to us anyway

To you

To me

Grace allows us to live freely and boldly, knowing that no matter what happens we are covered in Grace

So, going into year two in Arizona, that is what I am going to do

I will continue to press into the Lord asking for His strength daily

Never taking it for granted

I am going to go boldly into this world knowing I might will stumble

But knowing the Grace of God will ALWAYS get me back up

I am confident that He will help & Grace me to do what He has called me to do
I will rest in the Lord alone
I will rest in His Amazing Grace

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God is not finished

You know that saying, "if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans"

I think God has had quite the laugh with the plans I have told Him

First, I told God I wanted to meet a guy in college, get engaged senior year, then get married summer after graduation,  have 2.5 kids, live in a suburb close to family, have safe-comfortable job, a house with a white-picket fence, oh and a dog

How did that turn out?

Married? No 

Dating? Haha 

Kids? Only my amazing nephews

White picket fence? Only around the apartment pool

 Dog? No but lots of stray cats around here  

Suburb? Nope- Right next to the Phoenix airport- Glamorous 

Close to family?  1,421 miles away actually 

Safe-comfortable job? Challenges me DAILY

See, I never once told Him I wanted to be challenged in my faith 

I never told Him I wanted to leave my comfort zone

And you better believe I never told Him I wanted to move to Arizona

You guys, it hit 100 degrees today! 

The point of this is that we can plan out our life as detailed as we want

But ultimately God plans for our life will prevail

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, 

but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21 

He will challenge us to get out of our comfort zone

He will correct us, push us and guide us

But in doing so He takes us to places we never imagined

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, 

according to his power that is at work within us"

Ephesians 3:20 

So though I am not living the life I told God I wanted

I am allowing God to write my story

And I know God is far from finished with my story

So remember, when you allow God to write your story, it will always better than yours

Let go and let God write

He writes the best love stories anyway 

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Such a time as this

So, it has been awhile since I have blogged

In fact , I look back at my last blog and it was well over a month ago

And its not that there has not been anything going on in my life

There actually has been some changes in my life

Which means I have a lot going on in my mind

Which also means I am still trying to figure out how to balance this thing called "life"

I wanted to write about the time my family came down at the end of March...

I wanted to write about all the amazing memories we made at the pool, at the ball park and at the Phoenix Zoo...

I wanted to write about the cutest nephews ever and how much I loved having them down here

I also wanted to write about how hard it was not go home with them and have a family dinner

I wanted to write that no one told me moving away would be this hard

I wanted to write that I cried all the way home form the airport and an hour after I got home

But I didn't and I have to be ok with that

This whole moving away from family is such a bitter sweet process

Home sickness hits me hard but then in an instant I can feel back on track

There is too much peace I feel when I think about my life in Arizona

The best is yet to come!

Palm Sunday with the family at my church City of Grace 

Anyway, I did want to write about the biggest change in my life

I started a NEW JOB!

I started April 1st the day after my family left Arizona

I moved down to Arizona with a burning passion was for non-profit

I knew the Lord was turning my life upside down and Arizona was only the beginning

I knew that my life work was going to consist of ministry and non-profit

I just had NO idea what direction

During the fall I started volunteering for Food for the Hungry

I loved the people and the mission

I volunteered under some really great people who have become great friends

Around February I told my friends at FH (Food for the Hungry) that I was looking for a job

They had no job openings but she sent a link from another non-profit that was looking

The non-profit is called Disciple Nations Alliance

"Helping the church rise to her full potential as Gods principal agent 

in restoring, healing and blessing broken nations"

You can read more about DNA HERE

After two interviews and lots of praying I got the job!

Definitely an answered prayer

"Delight yourself in the Lord and 

He will give you the desires of your heart"

Psalm 37:4

It has been only one full week since I have been working for DNA 

I have been challenged in the most humble way during this new job

My heart is being softened and ignited 

Equipped and prepared

You see,  I have BIG dreams and goals for my life

I believe God has given me the passion, desire and dreams to serve in a big way 

And when coming down here I thought I was ready for those dreams 

I thought that I had the knowledge of a non-profit

Turns out passion doesn't equate to knowledge or experience

I thought that I knew what God was doing around the world

Turns out I have no idea

I thought I was cultured and experienced because I have been to Ethiopia

Turns out, I am not 

Working at the DNA has been expanding my world view, my God view, in the most uncomfortable and exciting way possible

I know what God is doing in MY life

I know what God is doing in the lives of MY close family and friends

I see God moving in and out America's culture 

But I dont know what God is doing in the world around me

I am excited for this season to learn, absorb, prepare and get equipped 

This season I am learning to trust God and His timing 

I am learning God always knows what I need better than I do 

 I am learning that every season has a purpose during His Divine Plan for my life

I am learning to LOVE the season I am in while still keeping an expectant attitude

I am learning that God needs to do something IN me, so He can do something THROUGH me

---------------------

Every single season of our lives

 – the school years, single-hood, career building, marriage, parenthood, grandparent-hood

 – is a gift from God

 It’s not a means to our “all,” but rather part of it

That means every single one of us is living in a slice of our “all” at this very moment

When we grasp this thought, it will not only enable us to see the opportunities for learning and growth in this season, but also help us to embrace the exciting things that are going on right now

You see, it’s the seemingly insignificant and mundane moments of life – when we feel we are amounting to nothing – that God is using to get us ready for the next season

God is so faithful to bring fulfillment to the dreams He has placed in our hearts!

- Christine Caine 

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